I recently heard that Sleeping Beauty would be returning to the Disney Vault again soon. This makes me sad. I happen to love Sleeping Beauty and unfortunately hadn’t had the chance to pick up a copy during its short stint outside of the Vault. I can now only hope that she comes back out again before I have children so that I may acquire a copy for them before she is banished back inside the Vault for the rest of eternity.

I understand the theory of the Disney Vault. In fact, it’s an ingenious marketing tool. I probably could care less about Sleeping Beauty, and would have forgotten about her completely had she not been locked up in the Vault, kept from me, and then released for a short time only. This scared me. I knew if I didn’t purchase the DVD immediately there would be an indeterminable period of time where she would be unavailable and I would have no way of knowing when the Disney gods might give her back to me again.

I imagine that this same mindset plagues many Disney fans, and is the exact reason Disney continues to thrive off of movies made years ago. The bigwigs at Disney know exactly what they’re doing to us; there is an enormous sense of urgency to have these movies when they are released from the evil grip of the Vault. Good for them.

But it makes me wonder… what the hell goes on inside of the Disney Vault??? Yes, I believe it is a real brick and mortar place, and yes I believe there are thousands upon millions of Disney classics stacked to the ceiling. But I also believe there’s a little bit of magic going on inside of the Disney Vault. If I could take a vacation to anywhere in the world, it would NOT be Disney World… but to the Disney Vault. Its door is shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head for goodness sake!!

Here is a list of things that I firmly believe goes on inside of the Vault:

1. The Disney Princesses definitely live largely inside of the Vault when they’re not being pimped out to the public for a limited time only. Not only do they live inside, but they are good friends. They lunch together, gossip, drink cosmos and get mani/pedis in their spare time. Cinderella is clearly the Carrie Bradshaw of the group. They take turns talking trash on Snow White because she lives with seven small men, think Jasmine wears extensions, and Ariel has had a boob job. FYI…The Real Housewives of the Disney Vault would have made a much better show than the chicks from Atlanta.

2. The Princes play poker on Thursdays, bowl on Fridays, and golf on Saturdays. Yes, they have all of these things inside the Vault. No, they’re not as charming out of the public eye…especially after a couple of rounds.

3. Obviously Mickey Mouse is Mayor of the Disney Vault. The people generally love him but he’s up to his ears trying to stay out of the press by keeping Minnie out of the liquor cabinet.

4. It’s common knowledge that Jiminy Cricket and Tinkerbelle have an illegitimate love child.

5. There is a community swimming pool. There is also a problem… it’s made up of gold coins… and only Scrooge McDuck (Chairman of the Disney Vault Board) can swim in it.

6. There is a county jail as well. The Beast is the warden. There are individual cells for Captain Hook, Jafar, and Maleficent. Ursula is unfortunately in solitary confinement.

7. Belle runs the local library, and with the exception of seeking donations for fundraising events doesn’t make a habit of cavorting with the other Princesses.

8. The Fairy Godmother and Genie were finally married a year ago. They live happily at the edge of the vault in whatever creation they can think of and conjure up on any given day.

9. There is a town square… and you can bet there is an enormous statue of Walt Disney in the center of it. He’s like Kennedy to these people.

10. After trying a few times with no success, Donald and Daisy Duck deciding not to have children after all. Much to the community’s and juvenile court systems appreciation, they decided to legally adopt Huey, Dewey and Louie instead.

I know it’s farfetched but you have to agree that these lovely characters must be doing something when they’re banished inside of the Disney Vault for years at a time. Something to pass the time until Mickey announces at the monthy town hall meeting who will be the next to leave briefly and make Disney millions? Right?

Shaving can be a pain, but it doesn’t have to be painful. With proper tools and technique, you can take the chore out of daily shaving and transform the process into a relaxing and rejuvenating experience.

To start with, you’ll need to give yourself plenty of time. Rushing through the job is not only going to put you at higher risk for razor burn and cuts, but you may miss a spot or two and end up looking worse than if you hadn’t shaved at all. If this means getting up 10 minutes earlier, so be it. You won’t miss those extra minutes of sleep and it will pay off with the comfort of a smooth face for the rest of the day.

Second, make sure you use a quality razor. I recommend Gillette Mach 3 or any other razor from the Gillette Mach series. These are excellent razors, and the only major problem with them is that people don’t replace the cartridges as often as they should. This is understandable, considering how expensive they are, but your face will suffer as a result. If cost is a concern, you can buy them in bulk on eBay for much less than the retail price. I have done this before, buying a two-year supply all at once. I replace the cartridge every two weeks and I shave every other day. I don’t pay attention to the blue strip signifying the “life” of the cartridge. If it feels rough, I throw it away.

As for shaving cream, you’ll need to choose one that is compatible with your skin. If a particular brand is not up to par, ditch it and try something else. Don’t feel the need to “finish off” something that is irritating your skin. How much did you spend on it, anyway? I get great results from plain old Colgate Shaving Cream, but others swear by the more expensive gels and soaps. I have not seen enough difference with these types of products to warrant the extra expense, but as they say, your miles may vary.

Always shave after you shower, when your skin is still warm and moist. If I haven’t shaved in a few days I will sometimes rub hair conditioner on my beard while in the shower, which is a great way of softening the hairs. Apply your shaving cream with a shaving brush as soon as you get out of the shower and let it sit on your face for at least a couple of minutes before you start shaving. A shaving brush is recommended because it will help raise and separate the hairs and create a thick lather of shaving cream. Wet the razor with hot water and start on an area that has a low concentration of hair (such as the lower neck). Move the razor with the grain (in the direction that the hair grows) in short strokes (no more than an inch at a time) and avoid going over the same spot twice. Rinse the razor frequently in hot water (after every 3 to 4 strokes). The more you rinse the razor, the less likely you are to get an uneven shave.

After going over a spot with the grain, you can shave against the grain for ultimate closeness. This is not recommended if you have extra sensitive skin or are prone to ingrown hairs. If you are prone to ingrown hairs, a product called Tend Skin is remarkable at preventing ingrown hairs and is definitely worth the money. African Americans and other men with curly facial hair are typically prone to ingrown hairs, and will benefit from Tend Skin.

Feel with your hands to make sure you haven’t missed a spot. You might want to also check with a side mirror to make sure your sideburns are even and level. Once you’re ready to rinse, start off with warm water. After all of the shaving cream is gone, rinse with cold water. This may be uncomfortable, but it helps tighten the skin and prevent infections. Afterwards, pat dry with a soft towel.

Depending on your skin type, you may want to use an aftershave moisturizer. Be sure to use one that does not irritate your skin, because your skin is at its most vulnerable after you shave. Do not use products containing alcohol, as they will dry your skin and prematurely age it. If you have any suspicion that your aftershave lotion is irritating your skin, discontinue use and either go a week without it or switch brands.

Follow these tips and you’re guaranteed to see an improvement in your appearance and a renewed joy in your morning shave.